IJCH - Inside JaiChai's Head (Meaning: My Warped, Personal Opinions and Musings)
From the Author:
Salutations.
I am JaiChai.
And if I haven't had the pleasure of meeting you before, I'm delighted to make your acquaintance now.
I invite you to interact with everyone, learn, and have as much fun as possible!
For my returning online friends, "It's always great to see you again!"
Damn shame. It's the same sad story, just a different person...
A couple of months ago, I sat at the bar and listened to yet another foreigner friend tell and retell his story of being "used".
I've heard countless versions of this story over the years.
It goes like this.
Foreigner guy meets sweet, beautiful Asian woman - who happens to be decades younger, of course.
Then, after bouts of jealousy by both parties, verbal and sometimes physical fights, separation/reunited/separation cycles, money problems, etc., the guy ends up in a mental mess and is desperate for anyone to tell his story of the ultimate betrayal.
He says stuff like, "I took her out of squalor and then she does this!"
Or, "Just thinking about how much money I wasted on her, her child, and her relatives makes my blood boil!"
Staying Neutral
I make it a point to not take sides and stay neutral.
Sure, I empathize. I've been through similar ordeals in the past and know that it just takes time - a Hell of a lot of time to work through the anger, disappointment and "buyers remorse".
So, IMHO, the best thing to do is to listen, not pass judgement, and simply wait until the person asks for my opinion and is "ready" to listen.
Back to the most recent buddy from a couple of months ago...
Finally Ready to Listen
As predicted, over the last couple months my friend went through the "post-breakup slut period".
(That reminds me of what my other friend, a retired bartender from the Bellagio in Las Vegas, used to tell his waitresses that were upset from a recent breakup.
He would say, "The best way to get over one guy is to get under another one as soon as possible!" Lol!)
Anyway, my friend appeared in a much better mental state and I decided to chat with him a bit.
He boasted about his last sexual conquests, but also admitted that it was getting old.
He then asked me what I thought about his ex-girlfriend and how I felt about what she did to him.
I sensed that he was finally ready to listen. So, in my matter-of-fact style of expressing things, I calmly said the following...
Just like Joe Friday from the old "Dragnet" tv series, I simply laid out the facts.
If you wish to have a relationship that involves a multi-decade generational gap, BOTH parties need to understand and adapt.
If you choose a partner from another culture, BOTH parties need to understand and adapt.
If at anytime something doesn't feel right, speak up, communicate so BOTH parties can understand and adapt.
No one can make anyone else "happy". And it's unfair to put that impossible burden on someone else. This truth must be accepted so BOTH parties can understand and adapt.
People show their love in very different ways. One person may do unsolicited tasks (acts of kindness). Another might give gifts. And still another might give physical displays of affection.
But if the other person doesn't speak this "language of love dialect", it is all for naught. This needs to be discussed so BOTH parties can understand and adapt!
The Over-Giver
I told my friend that a lot of his problems also stem from his habit of over-giving.
No matter how much he gives, he still feels distraught, betrayed and empty inside.
Since I'm no psychologist, the best I could do was say, "Once a favor, twice a duty. If you don't make it clear when something is a one-time voluntary event, the other person will easily think it is an entitlement. And of course, this leads to where you are now."
Then I continued on, "Additionally, if you truly gave and did all those things out of the kindness of your heart without expecting anything in return, why are you so angry and depressed when you got nothing back?"
My friend's expression was that of a suddenly turned on light bulb.
"Next time, and I know there will be a next time, take a moment and think about what precedence your setting, OK? Lastly, I want you to forgive. It's the only way to move on without lugging around excess baggage from the past. Don't get me wrong. Some things need to be kept and carried if they still have a purpose; like your car keys."
(BTW, have you thought about this? "Your car keys have traveled farther than your car.")
Unresolved past experiences need to be resolved and let go. And the only way to do this is with forgiveness.
Here's an example from my past...
Letting Go - A Weird Experiment
What have I got to lose? Here goes...
"I now forgive. I quietly and sincerely forgive all the people I have allowed to hurt me in the past. I do this for me, not for the wrongdoers."
Feels weird to say that - even in my own mind. But I do it again and again.
Jeez, it still really feels weird.
It’s hard to do without hearing the cynic in me laughing his ass off!
I’m so used to carrying around my own, custom-made, invisible 65 pound backpack full of bad memories.
It’s so familiar and so difficult to let go – no matter what my rational mind shouts.
But I know that I just have to let go. I can’t move forward until I let go of where I am now.
Hmmmm...
Something feels different now.
It can always be different, better.
O.K. Let me try this again...
"It’s over. I choose to forgive. I have vividly re-experienced some past hurts buried in my psyche. I gave them their own space to be. I allowed them to run their due course. They are done. They can now move on. I let them go now."
That’s weird - a good kind of weird…
Hurtful memories from the past seem to pass easily, unharassed through my mind now evoking no negative feelings at all.
At most, I feel somewhat curious now.
Cool. Very cool.
I'm free!
I can now recall them as an observer, not a participant now.
No more bad feelings, no more drama thinking about them.
Wow! It’s like magic! I feel so much lighter now.
I feel stronger now.
I can remember any/all hurtful memories without re-experiencing the past feelings of anger and resentment, abandonment or betrayal. I think I’m truly over it!
And it feels great - like a double oxytocin cocktail!
Woo-Hoo! So much positive energy!
Parting Shot
By JaiChai
Really Appreciate You Stopping By.
Truly hope to see you again!
About the Author -
Believing that school was too boring, he dropped out of High School early; only to earn an AA, BS and MBA in less than 4 years much later in life – while working full-time as a Navy/Marine Corps Medic.
In spite of a fear of heights and deep water, he performed high altitude, free-fall parachute jumps and hazardous diving ops in deep, open ocean water.
After 24 years of active duty, he retired in Asia.
Since then, he's been a full-time, single papa and actively pursuing his varied passions (Writing, Disruptive Technology, Computer Science and Cryptocurrency - plus more hobbies too boring or bizarre for most folk).
He lives on an island paradise with his teenage daughter, long-term girlfriend and three dogs.
