Men fall in love with a mess
I bet you have also had one of those moments of Eureka” and probably most of the time in the positive meaning of those discoveries that your mind concluded to. Only mine was not so cheering this time, and I wish I were at least in a bathtub so I could soothe the pain of my realization with the warm water, soft bubbles, and a relaxing atmosphere of candlelight music.
I know it will sound a bit pathetic that amid wars, hunger, global economic crisis, total slight towards gender rights or human rights in general, climate change, earthquakes, and god knows what else, I am thinking about my own mushrooms. Oh, and I forgot to also mention the AI rise and fall of Silicon Valley Bank as one of the trending stories. The thought of only being focused on my own thoughts makes me disillusioned of myself, especially during this messy period. Nevertheless, you will be surprised how those are directly connected with my story of love. And what calms me a bit is that you might also be all thinking about your own mushrooms, and hopefully, my little story will hit you even if you are not sitting under an apple tree.
How do we end up with a mess in general?
First of all, we all are individualists. So only personal matters do matter to us: all of these natural and man-made catastrophes and everything else in the world matter depending on the level of their impact on us — I am trying to portray human worst self, but of course, it is not always the case. So, for most people, all that matters to them is what they are or may be somehow affected by it — their pockets, homes, businesses, lives, and in the best cases, their future generations. Another reflection of individualism I wanted to highlight is when we look at things from an individual perspective, our own. And even if we try hard to project from another person’s trajectory, we fail a non-self-centered approach because the point of projecting is still the same center, us. So we perceive ourselves as the center of the Universe but only in the bad sense of the phenomenon. While the topic of a good meaning of being the center of the Universe could be a plot for another article.
Now back to my story of romance. This individualism also refers especially to our romantic relationships. We assume things, think instead of the other person, judge, expect, demand, and discuss everything from our perspective, values, education, upbringing, and perception. And even if we try to look from their angle, it is hard — as I have already stated in the previous paragraph, because we are not that person and cannot possibly think like them. We can only try to understand and accept.
Not enough or too good?
Even though I tend to always find a fault in all my failures (in all of my life aspects) in myself in first place, it doesn’t stop me from going in the wrong direction. To start with, I always thought that there might be something in me that men do not like, otherwise, how shall I explain that a hot, badass, smart girl from an intelligent family, a successful, healthy (both mentally and physically), lively, always positive in her approaches and mood, creative, easy-going woman in her late thirties never had a proper romantic relationship, moreover with a happy ending. Not to forget the four universities, four languages, and some other things that, if I mention them, would be an overdose of arrogance. Well, at least I am not modest, but I do my best to become as humble as I possibly can, given that I am a Leo.
Conclusions were different from one man to another evolving from underestimation to overestimation to a rational logic: probably I was not enough in something, too intense, too strong and bold, or maybe at times asked too much, or could be even the opposite like not asking anything and giving it all, including myself, then though I was perhaps to wit, too kind and generous altogether, too successful, too confident being myself and at the same time too shy in intimate matters, too elegant and finally probably maybe no one from them really loved me. This last one was the most difficult and not comforting to accept, but at least it was normal. It can be that not everyone falls in love with you, but at least those who approach and initiate and stay with you sometimes are supposed to like you at the minimum, if not romantically loving. I always ask guys up front to be honest with me, but no one has been complete, well, maybe only one person (I truly hope he did not lie).
And it hit me today, men don’t stay next to me (in a loving and caring relationship)… but before exclaiming my Eureka by revealing it to you, I will give a little narrative of where my idea came from.
Every woman must carry a secret
Learning by example
I met this incredible single lady in her 50s. Instantly she became a friend with whom we can share intimate stories, emotions, food, adventures, and friends. She is good-looking, has a successful career, looks unbelievably young, as if in her 30s, even with no make-up, is athletic — walks miles, is adventurous — enjoys life in all the good ways, moreover does not smoke or overdrink and does not have any unhealthy addictions, is sociable, has many friends, is intelligent and curious, speaks more than three languages in a country where people are satisfied by only of their own. And most importantly, continues to grow. It is easy with her, she is understanding, generous, considerate, caring, gentle, and cool, and we share many akin tastes. I was thinking how come she didn’t find her love till now given that I know she wants to be in a happy romantic relationship and always wanted that. I imagined just for a moment how fun and easy it could be with her for a romantic partner. Another idea that was invading my mind slyly — ” but is she really so good, or maybe there is something dangerous or negative in her”? Why would even that thought occur to me?
I will tell you why. We as the human species are constantly expecting danger, even in the things that are completely soft and puffy. Especially men, who used to be the ones who were always outside the caves and being chased by beasts or witnessing natural phenomena like storms, lightning, wind, and hail, have this call to look out for danger, but most importantly ready to fight it are born risk chasers. Even though this was millennia ago, the human gene is hard to modify naturally. Probably it would be easy for anyone to know that somebody they deal with either has something evil to anticipate, so they would always be wary of, or at least they could know exactly the tricky side and be prepared to react immediately.
I am a human, and probably the instinct also demanded in me the same urge. On another hand, I used the status of a human, which means a being with the highest consciousness applying my rational thinking and convinced myself that she should be fine and I shall not expect something dangerous, at the same time accepting that all of us have our own bugs and just keeping the friendship flow smoothly.
But since we are individualists, I immediately compared her to myself, referring to our non-fortune in romance. And that is where was my greatest discovery in finding our fault as women who are not able to maintain interest for the long term — we come with no conflict. Yet, especially in creative writing, be it a script or an article, it is professionally required (because the reader wants) a conflict, otherwise reading a flat text about even the most beautiful things with enchanting wording and grammar would probably annoy the audience.
So here is where my story of love connects to all of what is happening in this messy world. People are literally hungry for Conflict. Men, specifically, look for something that would keep them alert even if they do not know what it is. And that could be the reason for the saying: “every woman must carry a secret.”
Here is what, at times I am not very open which gives the impression that I have deep secrets and am seen as a person/woman with many conflicts, and felt like it is attractive to most approaching me. But that is only the beginning. I once read that my Mars in Scorpio might be seductive to men seeking danger and adventures, so mostly the masculist type. Little do they know that my Moon is in Pisces which gives me lots of sensitivity combined with my Sun in Leo with a desire for stable Love and Family. So the moment I become the good wife type, seeming as the perfect human (because the perfect woman for men is different from what they say and choose), the interest dies: he is not interested in just chilling further. He is interested in protecting, fighting, opening secrets, digging in, philosophizing (only one way), escaping, and conquering, but never in teaming up and improving together and simply living with love in the harmony of non-conflicting souls in an already conflicted enough world. Furthermore, the confidence I walk through life probably, hits into their insecurities, the alignment they see in me with myself, and with the world may be a rabbit hole they do not want to go, and the balance may threaten their disbalance in which they might be enjoying themselves as their comfort zone. After some time passes, they find out that there is no conflict to save from or fight for the woman they are dating: so those men around me probably got bored.
This does not mean by any means that I think I am boring. Being too good to be true is not a bad thing for me either, given that I am improving every single day to become the better version of myself. And it is not true that I am now, or am ever going to be perfect. There will always be conflicts inside me since every healthy person shall have them. But one thing is certain, by those conflicts I would never conflict in my relations with others which is called a healthy relationship.
I am also sure by the time we have a strong friendship built with my new female acquaintance, I will be relieved to find out that my friend is all as good as she demonstrates and that she also finds somebody that accepts normally all of her not being normal. As for the men seeking conflicts, I would suggest that they at least stuck to the women with conflicts satisfying their instincts and letting alone territory or economy invasion by respective arms.
P.S. Just a heads up for my female readers. As a woman, I am satisfied with where I am right now in my personal life. We can be happy with the absence of some aspect in our life as much as we are with their presence. It all ends up in attitude and perception. So as much as I would like to have a family one day, I am content with my single life. And all of the mess men have brought into my romantic world so far would only mean that I do not seek love in places that require something which I do not have and that I do not want to have either.