What is the True Self-love...
What is the True Self-love, and What is the Detrimental Narcissistic Ego-Love?
by 'Billy' Eduard Albert Meier
A Necessary Prerequisite…
Sources: https://au.figu.org/self_love.html / https://au.figu.org/content/What%20is%20the%20True%20Self-love,%20and%20What%20is%20the%20Detrimental%20Narcissistic%20Ego-love.pdf
Translation by FIGU-Landesgruppe Australia
19th March, 2017
Self-Love
Unfortunately, self-love, in the philosophy as well as in the psychology and in the general common understanding, is interpreted completely wrongly and is portrayed as a self-flattering factor connected with vanity. This however corresponds to a completely wrong understanding, because this named factor of self-flattering vanity applies solely to the ego-love, which actually is egocentric, narcissistic and selfish-egotistic and refers blatantly to one’s own person. However, an explanation about that shall follow at a later place. Self-love in relation to the human being does not refer to himself/herself, rather solely to all his/her good and positive values, which are loved and appreciated. Therefore this form of love concerning the human being is not selfish and not self-involved, rather it is directed at values alone and consequently comprises his/her inner and external nature, his/her true humaneness with the values of an active and rightly-valueful consciousness-activity, as well as the character, the personality and the modes of behavior in relation to the world of thoughts and feelings, the carrying out of actions and deeds as well as all values of honesty, righteousness and dignity, and so on. Self-love is very important for a happy, satisfied and fulfilled life and one of the factors responsible for the life conduct and the personal well-being, which leads to self-determinedly and successfully walking one’s own way through life. However, if the human being lacks self-love then frequently problems pertaining to the thoughts, feelings and psyche grow in him/her, which lead to unhappiness and unsatisfaction. Therefore he/she must indulge in self-love and also practice it, because it corresponds to the necessity for his/her life-long growth and is to him/her a golden place for joy, inner peace, and his/her own inner freedom and harmony.
For the human being self-love is absolutely worthwhile and it has no connection at all to a blatant egoism, narcissism or to egocentrism, because it is absolutely social or moral and an important part of his/her self-acceptance. However, he/she can create true deep-grounding self-love in himself/herself only if he/she does a corresponding self-analysis in the form of a self-cognition, and from that then also lets a self-realization follow, whereby this form of love is also based in his/her own inner and outer nature as well as in his/her personal characteristics and modes of behavior. This form of love also includes everything which corresponds to his/her habits, inclinations and talents, as well as all that which is to be evaluated about and in him/her as advantages and disadvantages as well as strengths and weaknesses. However, this also includes that one’s own errors and omissions are accepted by oneself and one grants oneself forgiveness. The self-acceptance thereby does not mean that he/she moves in the framework of an absolutely full development because firstly such exists only in absolutely relative form, and secondly it is not the case that he/she shall not change anymore and not further evolve in consciousness, because the learning and the developing as well as the collecting of knowledge and wisdom continue on throughout the entire life. Before each change however, first comes the recognition of that which is effective, that which corresponds to the reality and its truth. However, everything else which is done outside of this recognition and the evolutive endeavoring, remains for the human being a struggle for the existence and for purely material things, whereby he/she wastes his/her life-power.
Also belonging to the self-love is that the human being fulfills all his/her unavoidable needs and wishes, as he/she also deems them to be serious and important, because these belong to the self-respect and show most varied forms. Belonging to that is that he/she consciously pays attention to his/her health and his/her physical and consciousness-thought-feeling-psyche-based well-being, as well as that he/she brings to fruition his/her own dreams and wishes and leads them to fulfillment. From self-love a large part of his/her feeling of self-worth grows and with it the certainty that he/she is an amiable and valueful human being. In turn this certainty is decisively involved with his/her self-confidence, which also strengthens his/her inner security that he/she can create and achieve something, and practically even everything, in and of himself/herself – whatever he/she sets out to change in himself/herself for the better, good and positive. In addition that is the prerequisite therefore to be able, in equal value, to esteem and love oneself and also one’s fellow human beings, namely in an honest form and thereby without any hypocrisy, excessive expectations or attempts to change.
For the human being there are always good reasons to check again and again, what the condition of his/her self-love is, whereby he/she continuously has to consider how he/she can still increase it and how he/she can nourish and cherish it better. He/she must not love himself/herself as it appears in the case of the ego love, rather he/she must care for the true self-love, because it alone has the greatest influence on his/her entire well-being, specifically on his/her feeling of self-worth and self-confidence; and it [the self-love] is in constant dialog with his/her inner and outer nature. The words with which he/she thinks about himself/herself and from which he/she develops feelings – whereby, with his/her thoughts, he/she internally talks with himself/herself – have a tremendous might. And through them a cycle is created, consequently the thoughts and feelings also influence his/her actions and his/her modes of behavior. Therefore it is possible that he/she communicates with himself/herself in a loving and strengthening, but also in a belittling and scathing form, and accordingly has a positive or negative effect on his/her consciousness-thought-feeling-psyche-based well-being. However, to change his/her inner self-talk to the purely positive needs great attention, motivation, knowledge, patience and very active practice again and again.
In fact it is so, that the self-love can be learned, and thereby it is about meditative exercises, which are very time occupying for the human being, which however can thereby help him/her to continuously create and increase, to nourish, to cherish and to maintain his/her self-love, so that he/she regularly and again and again does something good for himself/herself, if he/she again and again repeats and carries out the exercises at intervals suitable to him/her. Four meditative exercises are very helpful for this, which should be carried out at least once daily, whereby on each day however also two or three can be practiced. Thereby it is important that the four meditation exercises are carried out alternately, so therefore a different one each time if possible.
1st Meditative Exercise
That is an exercise which is already very engaging for the human being, in fact no matter whether he/she himself/herself had the idea to develop self-love, or whether he/she has come upon it through any teaching. Thereby it is important that he/she is motivated and willing and can develop joy about the whole thing. Therefore may he/she regularly take time for a meditative leisure-exercise, that is to say, a short meditation, which simply is directed towards tranquillity and being without thoughts. Thereby it is very advantageous if he/she does it once a day for 15-20 minutes, whereas during the actual spare time on the weekend he/she then takes one, two or more hours, in order to move about and go for a walk in nature, meditatively immersed in good, loving and friendly thoughts. However he/she can also indulge in quietude alternatingly at home or in the garden or somewhere in the forest or field, and with a suitable device immerse himself/herself sense-based-meditatively in good music appealing to him/her. If he/she does nothing and lies quietly, in order to restingly recover, then on that occasion he/she can also immerse himself/herself meditatively in light and exhilarating thoughts and feelings, in order to do good and positive things thereby and to refresh himself/herself psychically. Again and again he/she must treat himself/herself to these times in any case, because he/she is worthy of it and necessarily needs it, whereby in addition these idle meditative activities have an effect on him/her in a very sustained form and act more quickly than any chemical or naturally derived sedative.
2nd Meditative Exercise
In this exercise it is about one’s own attention, which must be formed in such a way that the human being awards love to himself/herself and perceptibly holds it in himself/herself. For that he/she may, in the evening, when he/she has already eaten his/her evening meal at least an hour before, take any old time at all to himself/herself, preferably when it is already dusk or dark. He/she may take a candle, light it up, sit down comfortably and turn off the light. Thereby may he/she meditatively let his/her thoughts and feelings roam through everything that has been beautiful in his/her life up until now and experience in memory everything just as he/she got to know it and experienced it. May he/she give himself/ herself this attention, delight in it and let everything come to life again in himself/ herself in good and loving thoughts and feelings.
Therefore may he/she enjoy all the beautiful memories and connect them with all the good and loving thoughts and feelings that he/she is able to muster up for it, in order to internalize them and make them a part of his/her inner and outer nature. May he/she thereby keep in mind all that which he/she quite especially likes about himself/herself personally and what shows up in his/her memories. May he/she accept everything with joy and love and celebrate it for himself/herself as something special, simply just so, without having to create a special occasion or reason for it. The whole thing initially appears to him/her perhaps silly and strange, however precisely such self-attentions, which are based on memory, correspond to one’s own affections, which help him/her very much in himself/herself to build up and also to maintain self-love for himself/herself, in order to appreciate himself/herself. This also applies if he/she in this regard, that is to say, in such a phase of self-attention, has not fulfilled or achieved anything, because all that, which he/she has already worked out and achieved up until now, incessantly continues to have an effect in him/her. When he/she has actually acquired a healthy self-worth then he/she is no longer dependent on a constant approval and ongoing successes, because his/her self-worth-realization, which he/she has created, automatically continues to have an effect.
3rd Meditative Exercise
It is necessary that the human being again and again dedicates himself/herself meditatively to a theme, which is directed at the realization of his/her own needs, wishes and Zeal. Thereby especially of importance are those of which he/she has been dreaming in his/her life already for a long time, which up until now however he/she has not tackled and which have not been transformed into reality. This is the case, because due to invalid reasons he/she has been procrastinating over and over again and delaying everything further. Now however, it is the case that he/she consciously strives for everything in regard to needs, dreams and wishes and he/she meditatively makes an effort to build up his/her motivation and his/her will, in order to finally realize that which is to be striven for. And if henceforth one thing or another is really put into practice and the Zeal reached, then in the human being joy and love come about for having achieved what he/she wanted. This in turn strengthens the self-love and creates a gladness as well as a peaceful and harmonious inner state, together with the cognition of being free in oneself and of being able to tackle and achieve everything oneself. That strengthens one’s own security and triggers self-loving impulsations.
For this realization-meditation the human being ought to take time at least twice per week and each time carry out the exercise for 15-20 minutes. Thus it must not be for hours, rather each time only the previously mentioned time of 15-20 minutes. Even less time – if it is not otherwise possible – achieves much already. Already the good thoughts and feelings alone – because everything is finally tackled, which brings a better, good, positive as well as happier and satisfied life – allow the human being to attain visible successes over time. If he/she, step by step, really does the necessary things for that which he/she really wants to achieve, then the meditation exercises must be important to him/her, because through them he/she, step by step, progresses more and more in his/her self-love and reaches the Zeal.
4th Meditative Exercise
This meditative practice is about self-caring values for one’s own body, the consciousness, the thoughts, feelings and the psyche. The whole thing can be beneficial and relaxing, sometimes however also strenuous, because it requires not only a meditative effort, rather also a physical effort, which must be satisfied because the whole thing is also connected with valueful nutrition as well as with a minimum of physical exercise. That means that it is necessary that the human being often enough exercises outdoors, strolls in the woods and meadows and that he/she practices gymnastics or suitable sport, whereby he/she also has to ingest sufficient food that is physically tolerable, which does not burden him/her in any wise and does not cause him/her discomfort.
To his/her self-care also belongs to conscious relaxation time and down time during which he/she does nothing else but to simply give himself/herself over to idleness and to indulge in rest and quietude. He/she can also do that by taking a soothing bath or by having a massage.
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The four mentioned exercises are suggestions for how the human being can build up self-love in himself/herself and strengthen and maintain it. Thereby he/she must encourage himself/herself to form everything according to his/her own sense and ability as it appeals to him/her and as it suits him/her.
To maintain a meditative practice means that the human being regularly has to do something with honor and dignity and fulfills a self-imposed obligation, which brings him/her benefit and success in some respects. Hence it therefore absolutely needs his/her motivation, his/her will, his/her commitment and his/her self-discipline as well as his/her power for it, so that he/she perseveringly sticks with it and does all that which is important, because only then successes and effects appear. However the whole thing also means that he/she must not undertake too much and not load too much onto himself/herself at once. Actually he/she must always choose that which appeals to him/her the most and suits him/her. Thus he/she must also choose how he/she must vary everything in order to cure himself/herself in the form that he/she becomes happy and satisfied. Thereby he/she can also use his/her imagination and allow it to give useful and valueful suggestions, in order to realize them for his/her benefit.
Naturally there are still many further possibilities to further the self-love, as for example, through the inner strengthening of the affirmations of himself/herself and all values connected with that. Also the training of the consciousness can be a very great useful help for the origination, furtherance and expansion of the self-love. Self-love also requires among other things that the human being is fair, good and positive, however not iniquitously hard and not loveless to himself/herself, rather happy and satisfied. He/she must not treat himself/herself badly and not bully himself/herself, rather he/she must honestly learn to love all the good, positive and valueful values, which are characteristic of him/her. From that arises the term ‘self-love’. And the more the human being nourishes, cherishes and loves all his/her values, as they are described above, the more his/her self-love develops and strengthens. It is indeed easily said that he/she shall learn self-love, however in order to create it, a determining motivation, a strong will as well as patience and time are required, because self-love is a constantly growing process. The life thereby indicates that the human being shall learn to love himself/herself more, whereby it also constantly tests him/her regarding whether he/she has undertaken that already or whether he/she still lazes about in the old wrong and self-loveless conditioning and wastes his/her life. Developing self-love means to know and to love all one’s own values and to be awake in the here and now, because only therethrough can the human being utilize his/her skills and his/her knowledge, in order to learn self-love, develop it and usefully apply and implement it for himself/herself and for the fellow human beings as well as for all life. These however are two different factors, because to learn self-love and then also to live it, on one hand for oneself, on the other hand also in regard to making use of it in regard to the fellow human beings and everything that exists in general, is as different as the colors black and white.
Just as knowledge and action are fundamentally two different values, so it is also with the self-love in regard to the human being himself/herself and the fellow human beings as well as with regard to everything else that exists. The human being thereby must understand rightly that to love his/her own values does not mean that he/she simply shall love himself/herself as a person with all inadequacies in regard to modes of behavior and that which is negative, rather it states, that he/she has to care for his/her high values and indeed just as they really are, consequently in this regard there is neither a bad conscience nor extreme or mild feelings of guilt. If he/she follows this way of the self-love, then through the learning of the self-love, he/she will achieve a life of happiness and confidence, of joy and inner peace, of freedom and harmony.
The life tests the human being constantly, regarding whether he/she learns self-love, that is to say, whether he/she enables himself/herself to develop it through his/her motivation and will and whether he/she brings everything to fruition for himself/herself and for the fellow human beings, for everything that lives and for everything that exists in general. Thereby, for the testing of his/her self-love, the life goes very many different ways, which often appear peculiar to him/her, for example, in the way he/she treats his/her fellow human beings, the nature and its fauna and flora. However, it can also be that another test consists of how he/she deals with his/her family members or with other fellow human beings close to him/her or also with strangers. Perhaps he/she gets involved with human beings who devalue him/her, who treat him/her badly, lie to, cheat, steal from, deceive or slander him/her. The possibilities of such tests are many and thereby he himself/she herself must understand to define what is right and what is wrong, if he/she must say yes or no and how he/she must react with his/her self-love in regard to all these things. Truly it is not always easy to react in love, even if he/she carries self-love in himself/herself, because as the case may be, one moment his/her impulsations swing up and then down again, however to balance themselves again in the best case scenario. That also corresponds to self-love and simply belongs to the learning.
The more the human being learns and lives the self-love, the more he/she is able to unconditionally accept and love his/her fellow human beings and the entire environment as they really are. If he himself/she herself fosters the self-love in the right form, then he/she also appreciates all human beings and loves them due to all their humaneness and all their good and positive values. Therethrough he/she gains many advantages for himself/herself and all his/her values, which he/she can always improve further. And therewith also advantages for his/her life-conduct and life-style come to him/her, because his/her self-love brings him/her to the centre of his/her life. Effectively it is carried by the life itself and therewith everything is full of harmony and respect, consequently this form of love detaches itself from his/her own being-separate-in-himself/herself and his/her feeling-of-separateness-in-himself/herself and leads him/her to the being-one-with-himself/herself. Therethrough he/she is one with himself/herself and there is no division in him/her any more. In this state he/she evaluates everything much less negatively and badly, rather he/she behaves neutrally, wherethrough he/she does not value other human beings in regard to something and consequently he/she leaves them be as they are. Through the love namely he/she learns to remain himself/herself and also to let other human beings be themselves. Thus he/she also does not get upset about others anymore when they do something wrong, rather, according to his/her self-love and the obligation arising from it in regard to the instruction of the ones close to him/her, at the most he/she makes him/her aware of his/her wrong thinking and acting in order to direct him/her onto the right way. Fundamentally the human being is one with himself/herself, because he/she knows that neither he/she nor another human being is perfect and that everyone has to put his/her own house in order. Nothing can push him/her away from the self-love apart from his/her own inadequate unvalues, which he/she has not yet consciously recognized, which he/she however rejects and does not want to have, once he/she becomes aware of them. In fact all love of this world is fundamentally and first and foremost built on self-love, but it is difficult for him/her to understand it, wherefore he/she must develop his/her self-confidence and his/her self-consciousness, because only those two factors let him/her recognize that also all other forms of love, which he/she is effectively capable of as a human being, are contained in his/her self-love if he/she only develops them in the first place. And the fact is that if he/she cultivates the self-love in himself/herself then he/she feels comfortable in his/her skin and as such a human being he/she can also forgive himself/herself as well as the fellow human beings for errors. Thus at any time he/she can look at himself/herself in the mirror in esteem, without having to become embarrassed.
The self-love changes constantly because it develops out of a bundle of thoughts about all of the human being’s own values. How much self-love he/she develops thereby depends first of all on how well he/she gets to know himself/herself, which means, how well he/she is conscious of his/her SELF (being-conscious-of-oneself), which has all imaginable good and positive values inherent, thus of his/her consciousness, his/her thoughts, feelings, the psyche, his/her modes of action and behavior as well as of his/her knowledge and the love and wisdom and so forth. All this however he/she can only understand through his/her self-love and by fathoming himself/herself in self-cognition. What effect his/her self-love has in dealing with other human beings thereby depends on how those human beings feel and how they think about him/her. For example, if he/she is honestly appreciated then this has a very favorable effect on his/her self-confidence. The more a human being means to him/her, the greater the effect. However, if he/she is unfairly criticized then his/her self-confidence is burdened. Then he/she can clearly feel it with bad thoughts and feelings and therefore also in his/her psyche.
Self-love has something to do with success in life, because if the human being cultivates it, then doors to his/her success open. However, if he/she still wrestles with himself/herself in regard to self-love, then he/she uses up very much energy in order to harmonize himself/herself. This energy then is no longer available to him/her anymore for a successful action. If he/she learns the self-love and cares for it, then he/she will also become more self-confident and a self-assured human being, who more infrequently gets serious problems in life. If, and for how long, he/she requires exercises for his/her self-love depends to a large extent on his/her present state. Also playing a great role is how much love he/she has so far already received in his/her personal living environment, because a loving, caring support and a good conversational tone in his/her circle of family, acquaintances and friends helps him/her with the creating of self-love.
The human being with genuine self-love has no desire to artificially push himself/herself to the foreground. And if he/she meets a human being with much genuine self-love, then he/she recognizes him/her by the fact that he/she finds him/her likeable from the outset and feels comfortable with him/her from the beginning when he/she is together with him/her, because he/she is equalized, honest, relatively always in a good mood and radiates a recognizable inner quietude. Such a human being also appears natural. He/she does not expect that the other one ‘bends over’ for him/her, which also contributes to the fact that he/she appears agreeable and he/she is glad to be able to be in the company of the other.
Ego-Love
Already in ancient times, Nokodemion taught through the spiritual teaching that the nature of the ego-love is completely different to the self-love, because the ego-love-form belongs to the narcissism, to the strongly formed egoism and to the boastfulness and so forth, whereby the whole corresponds to a personality disorder. Ego-love is to be understood in this sense alone, and indeed especially if it is distinct and negative, because then it is, as explained, an epitome of narcissistic selfishness and boastfulness. Unfortunately in psychology and theology, this is fundamentally misunderstood and therefore the ego-love is wrongly equated with the self-love. Ego-love however is an Ausartung in the form that the human being loves himself/herself in a narcissistic-egoistic form so much that he/she turns his/her body and his/her nature and all his/her actions and modes of behavior and so forth into a temple of roaring self-interest. According to this point of view in respect to the ego-love, the hard-core self-loving-one behaves completely egocentrically and bumptiously, because he/she simply loves himself/herself as an individual and correspondingly behaves like ‘someone in love with himself/herself’. In this wise, as a pronounced ego-addicted-one, he/she is absolutely incapable of loving other human beings or even displaying a touch of an impulsation equal to love. In respect to relationships the ego-loving-one has solely his/her ego in sight. For the human being ego-love means that he/she places himself/herself at the center of attention of everything, whereby in his/her blatant infatuation with his/her ego, as a result of lacking empathy for the fellow human beings and everything that exists, he/she only cares about himself/herself, therefore he/she neglects the others.
The spiritual teaching teaches that ego-love is based on lacking or unstable self-esteem as well as diverse other factors, whereby it originally is based on a wrong baby-parent-relationship in the form that the child was not treated with sufficient recognition and with deep feelings for him/her. A pronounced ego-love – also called I-love, because it is based on an egocentricity – means that the human being is mainly turned towards himself/herself, has a rather passive need for love and only ‘loves’ other human beings in order to be loved. A relationship with an ego-loving-one is formed by his/her giving and taking, whereby in this regard there is no balance with alternating giving and taking. A human being who has fallen prey to ego-love is hardly, or not at all, capable of empathy, consequently he/she therefore cannot bring forward any feeling for others. If the human being is caught up in self-love then he/she has hardly any self-esteem or none at all, therefore he/she is constantly dependent on external reassurances. If these fail to appear then significant problems arise for him/her. The thing that thereby also appears is the fact that the ego-loving-one – at least the very negative behaving one – is inclined to devalue the fellow human beings in order to upvalue his/her own ego.
Viewed according to the spiritual teaching, in a pathological form, the ego-love corresponds to a personality disorder just as much as the narcissism does, for which reason the latter is also mentioned in connection with the ego-love and the egoism and so forth. As a rule the ego-love shows grand thoughts and feelings of the human being’s own importance, and the world of thoughts and feelings also indulges in grandiose fantasies about limitless success and might, indeed right up to the wrong belief in one’s own specialness. Thereby also appears the desire for an excessive admiration from the fellow human beings, as well as an exaggerated thinking in regard to entitlements. Thereby also extreme, exploitative relationships are the order of the day, as well as arrogance and envy. In addition to that come very unstable thoughts of self-esteem and corresponding feelings. Frequently thereby an inner emptiness and the inability to perceive joy also appears. However, in a human being with a distinct ego-love it also emerges that he/she goes around with an increased offendedness, vulnerability and an often excessive egocentric attitude, which additionally is also very strongly characterized by an arrogance, unrelatedness and with egoism towards other human beings.
The characteristic attitude of the human being, who in strict negative wise is connected to his/her ego-love, shows exaggerated demands and an ambition that frequently leads to a fatigue syndrome. And naturally it is then thereby the case that, as a rule, one’s own machinations are not seen, which are to blame for it, rather the fellow human beings and external causes, for example, the darned work, the superior or the circumstances of the entire environment are held responsible for it. Depressive upsets also appear, which have vapid or superficial effects, whereby the present lacking impetus-motivation and lacking buoyancy is experienced as very burdening. If thereby the physical level of the very blatant ego-loving-one is viewed and considered, then functional heart trouble can be observed as well as headaches, sleep disorders and sexual disorders. If closer contacts with the fellow human beings exist, then the self-involved ego-loving-ones can indeed appear to be very lively, charming and engaging, which however only serves to achieve something. Thereby they can then also appear very manipulative and often present themselves in a form which appears emotionally cool, if need be however can also be very arrogant and hurtful.
Addendum
According to an old prediction, the human beings born after 1982 are the self-love-less generation of the recent past, and they are rather distant from a social orientation. Therefore there are more and more young persons, who develop few sustainable social relationships, who cannot integrate socially and who, in the end, ego-lovingly put themselves at the center of attention.
This tendency towards self-lovelessness has already been drifting into the workplace for a long time, because it is no longer as communicative as it used to be. Today the human being sits lonely in front of the computer, and more and more, all areas of work are only controlled by one woman or one man at the computer. These firms lead to human beings becoming robot-beings, and that in turn leads to the complete wasting away of their abilities to empathize with others. Additionally more and more technical things in the surrounding world are developed, such as electronic media, mobile phones and computer games, etc., with which the human being, in the end, is often alone and becomes lonely. Furthermore many parents, based on their own experiences, are no longer able to raise their children in the right form. And in regard to a future professional success, very early on the children are trimmed to learn something that will bring in much money. This besides the fact that the same parents do not teach their children anymore to create self-love, and they do not stimulate them for it from a very early age. On the contrary, they teach revenge and retribution and that they shall have no consideration for other human beings.
SSSC, 14th June 2014, 00:18 am
Billy