I’ve noticed that whenever I feel angry at someone’s words, it’s usually because of my tendency to assume.
We can’t help but assume things. We don’t know the motives of other people, and to protect ourselves from harm, we have to connect the dots with the information given to us.
We hate being the clueless one. We hate when we feel left out of the joke. What if you’re actually the butt of the joke, and you don’t even know it?
Social interactions are complicated because one facial expression can set off millions of interpretations in the other person’s head. One change in tone or the choice of words one person chooses to use can spark anger in the other.
What if the person that you think is harmless is actually making snarky remarks, looking down on you and making fun of you? What did they mean with that comment? What did that facial expression mean? That comment sounded condescending. Do they think I’m stupid? Do they think they can just push me around?
Thoughts like these can come into your consciousness in a second and get your blood boiling in the next. The next thing you know, your mood has shifted and begin to analyze the other person sharply, criticizing their next moves more harshly and looking for revenge. Soon the night is over and the other person would leave, unaware of the fact that you are harboring such negative feelings over a seemingly harmless comment.
Even if the other person meant no harm, it is too late. The thought is ingrained into your head and, because of your pride and fear of looking overly sensitive, you never ask for clarification.
We crave justice for our hurt egos. We imagine scenarios where we put our offenders in their place, where we were not looked down upon, where we were able to stand up for ourselves and teach the other person you were not someone to mess with.
We protect our egos by imagining situations that are toxic to us. We have physiological responses when we imagine these situations. I’ve had moments where I imagined myself fighting or wrestling the people who’ve wronged me and come out on top.
I remember feeling my blood boiling, my jaws clenching and my muscles flexing, even when this was all happening in my head. I gained a feeling of dominance apart from reality, and learned to live there and indulge in these thoughts that made me feel powerful. Whatever I did not have the courage to do in real life, I fulfilled in my thoughts. I made sure no one was able to cross or disrespect me in the world I had created for myself.
I find that in many situations, I’ve jumped to conclusions without clarifying what the other person meant or intended to say. I’ve faced countless misunderstandings because of my inability to ask for clarification instead of assuming intent.
Assuming makes an ASS out of U and ME.
I’ve been reading a book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and an entire chapter was dedicated to bring awareness to our tendencies to make assumptions. The chapter is called “Don’t Make Assumptions”.
It has helped me be mindful of the moments where I feel myself getting angry or feeling hurt by a comment that someone made toward me. It has helped me become self aware of how many assumptions I make everyday, and how to prevent it whenever I catch them.
Same as always, I will be pulling excerpts from the book and commenting on the parts that resonate with me. I hope they will help you as well — in controlling your thoughts from running wild and allowing yourself to be mindful of the times when you jump to conclusions.
“We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything. The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth. We could swear they are real. We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking — we take it personally — then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word. That is why whenever we make assumptions, we’re asking for problems. We make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing.”
“Because we are afraid to ask for clarification, we make assumptions; then we defend our assumptions and try to make someone else wrong. It is always better to ask questions than to make an assumption, because assumptions set us up for suffering.”
A lot of the times, we have trouble admitting that we are wrong. We have trouble admitting that we assumed and we misunderstood certain things. We think whatever interpretation we got is the objective truth, and we stick with it, even when the other person clarifies and tells us what they were really trying to say.
At this point, it’s a game of pride. You can’t afford to back down, because then you have to admit that you were wrong and the other person was right. That makes you feel a bit stupid and you hate feeling stupid.
You build higher and thicker walls around your assumption, and double down on your perception of reality until it becomes reality. The other person has become wrong and you were always right from the start. What if you trust them and they just betray you? It’s better to not trust than to risk getting hurt.
More often than not, the other person probably wasn’t actively trying to hurt your feelings or humiliate you… but you also don’t know that for sure, right? The one little seed of doubt is all it takes. They COULD have meant that. They COULD have had malicious intent. Down you go into the rabbit hole.
When you feel hurt or angry about a comment that another person said to you, you should ask for clarification. You should be direct, and ask for an explanation. You might look aggressive, but it is to clear your conscience of doubt and prevent misunderstandings.
Another mistake we make is to make assumptions in our relationships. We expect the people closest to us to read our minds, know our tendencies and understand us completely. This leads to many misconceptions and fights that could have been avoided if we avoided making assumptions.